10 Ways to Manage Anger in Relationships

Even the most calm, level-headed people get angry from time to time. Feeling upset with someone or something doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person or that there’s something “wrong” with you. It just means you’re like everyone else.

Here’s Merriam-Webster’s “Essential Meaning” of anger:

a strong feeling of being upset or annoyed because of something wrong or bad: the feeling that makes someone want to hurt other people, to shout, etc.

Wanting to “hurt” someone doesn’t always mean physical harm. We can hurt people with angry words or even silence just as quickly and sometimes more deeply than with physical violence.

How Do You Express Anger?

For some, anger rears up fast and furious with harsh words, yelling, or screaming. Others might never raise their voice or appear upset, but hostility leaks out as hurtful sarcasm, cutting remarks, and subtle condescension. Still others become short and snappish or go silent without an explanation.

Anger — and its cousins resentment, irritation, frustration, and exasperation — can sneak up on you without realizing it. It’s only when hostility floods your body or your words and actions become unkind that you know you have company — if you think about it.

Sometimes Anger Isn’t Easily Detected

Anger doesn’t always mean harsh words or cruel actions. You might not yell at your kids or hurl accusations at your partner. Maybe you don’t mope around, slam doors, ignore someone, or say “Nothing” when they ask, “What’s wrong?”

Sometimes, it’s tough to identify anger in a mix of resentment, jealousy, or fear. You might get angry with your partner and yourself because you don’t know how to get what you need or express yourself. Maybe you don’t feel heard or validated, but you don’t know what to do about it. Perhaps you’re angry with someone for their unkind words or behavior that makes you feel less than, not enough, undervalued, or worthless.

Anger can also be a habit. Do you spend a lot of time complaining about the world’s injustices? The unfairness of your lot in life, what your parents did or did not, and what’s “wrong” with your neighbor, relative, or colleague? Think about how you feel — what you’re feeling — during a gripe or venting session.

Why Anger Management is Important

Anger is an emotion like countless others: delight, worry, fear, sadness, disappointment, anxiety, disgust, contempt, trust, anticipation, and more.

Anger is normal and can even motivate us to make positive changes in ourselves, society, and the world. But how we express it is often destructive.

Angry words or actions can cause damage that we can’t undo, even with the most heartfelt apology. But what can you do to avoid angry words?

1. Recognize your anger

You might have grown up in a family that didn’t allow you to express strong feelings like anger. Or you might have grown up around so much anger that it seemed normal. Either way, you might not recognize anger when you’re feeling it or before you’ve said or done something hurtful.

Practice paying attention to your emotions. Have you ever been frustrated with a project? Felt like throwing your laptop out the window? That’s anger. You’re angry because something (or someone) isn’t doing what you want. It builds up little by little until it explodes. The same thing happens when you get angry with people. Recognizing the little spark of anger before you’re ready to throw the computer out (or blow up at someone) helps you make better choices.

2. Decide what you can change and what you can’t change

One thing is for sure: anger alone doesn’t change anything. It can frighten people, sure. An adult’s anger can force a child into submission. It can intimidate someone or push someone away. It can hurt or upset people so much they go along with you — placate you — rather than get you upset.

You can’t change other people with anger. The only thing you can change is yourself. Sure, you can ask someone if they’re willing to change or modify how they do something, just as someone can ask you the same. That’s conflict resolution. But your anger — even if justified — won’t do a thing to make a situation better.

3. Know your stress limits

Anyone’s patience gets stretched when they’re over-scheduled and multitasking. It’s easy to sign up for more than you can reasonably handle. But if stress is wearing you down and shortening the leash on your temper, you might need to make time to relax and rejuvenate.

For starters, cut down on TV and screen time. Hide the phone (or shut off notifications). Let voicemail take your calls, especially when you’re with your partner, family, or friends. Make your home a sanctuary of peace instead of a hub of frantic activity, and consider a 20-minute nap, meditation, or a walk at day’s end.

4. Know your boundaries

What do you allow in your life? What’s okay and what’s not? If you don’t have clear boundaries — or don’t know what they are — it’s easy to get upset and angry when someone disregards them. You might not even know why you’re upset. But if you know your “rules of engagement,” it’s easier to enforce them calmly.

Make a list of what you won’t tolerate from your partner, friends, and loved ones. It might include physical or emotional boundaries or discussion topics you won’t participate in (gossip, for example). Shouting, name-calling, or physical expressions of anger like throwing things might be off limits. Consider sharing and discussing lists with important people in your life.

5. Take good care of yourself

How can you care about others if you’re not taking good care of yourself — physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? Sufficient sleep, a healthy diet, and exercise help boost a positive attitude. Meditation, contemplative prayer, or yoga can reduce stress and increase your patience and tolerance for others.

Take care of your mental health, too. If you’re struggling with substance use, depression, or other mental or emotional health issues, join a support group or see a mental health professional. Feeling good in your body, mind, heart, and soul makes it easier to feel good about others.

6. Learn to listen

Communication skills include listening. In fact, a good conversation or productive discussion depends on active listening. Do you mentally prepare your comments while someone is still talking? Or do you make sure you fully understand before commenting?

One way to use good listening skills is to let the person know you’re paying attention by nodding and making short responses like “Wow,” “That must have been difficult,” or “Go figure!” You can also check your understanding by summarizing and asking if you have it right. Asking questions, refraining from judgment, and mentally putting yourself in the speaker’s shoes are just a few ways to become a better listener.

7. Practice empathy

Without empathy, relationships suffer. Empathy can mean sensitivity to the needs and emotions of another person and even feeling what others feel. It can also be as simple as understanding another person’s perspective and emotions and putting yourself in their shoes.

Try to imagine how you might feel in circumstances you haven’t experienced. Read about someone who has faced extraordinary losses, survived difficult circumstances, or faced a life-threatening illness. And when your loved ones talk, try to imagine what they’re feeling and how you can show compassion and understanding.

8. Take a break

If irritation and anger build up during a discussion, let your partner know you need a break. It helps to agree on breaks and time limits before you start feeling overwhelmed or upset. You might need 15 minutes, an hour, or an entire day to calm down or think things over. Go for a walk or run. Stretch. Breathe. Get in touch with that calm, compassionate part of yourself, and remember how much you care about and love the other person.

Be sure to revisit the discussion and give it your full attention by the end of the time limit. If you don’t, if you avoid it and assume everything’s okay, you’ll lose trust and create a new conflict.

9. Look for areas of agreement before focusing on differences

Here’s an example: household finances. Money is one of the top reasons couples argue, and differences in spending can run deep. Consider developing and following a budget. Most couples can agree on at least a few things: you need to pay bills, buy food, and set something aside for emergencies. Starting on a positive note can smooth the way to work out differences.

One source of differences and conflict is not knowing all possible options or not being open to them, which can lead to defensiveness of unexamined beliefs. Sometimes, exploring and following expert advice can dissolve power struggles and each side fighting to be “right.” Of course, you’d have to agree on which expert to follow.

10. Remember: You’re making choices

Remind yourself that you are not your anger or any of your emotions. Your emotions result from your thoughts and perceptions, and that’s learned. You don’t have to react to your anger.

With practice, you can change your thinking and emotional reactions. Remember that you can choose calm words instead of words that hurt. Caring words can help resolve problems, but angry words only feed the fire in yourself and others.

When we use angry, insensitive words, we hurt others and hurt ourselves by damaging our relationships with people we love and care about. The only good thing that might come from angry words is an apology.

But an apology can’t undo the damage or change the fact that our words have wounded someone. Accepting our anger, understanding it, and knowing we can make healthier, more compassionate choices for ourselves and the people we care about is a step forward to better relationships and a kinder world.

Special thanks to Natalie Sands for her insightful edits.